It kept showing up.
Not loudly. Not urgently.
Just….Consistently.
In the moments when I should have been present but wasn’t.
When my body was in one place and my mind was already planning the exit.
I’ve always been good at leaving.
Not dramatically.
Not with slammed doors or burning bridges.
Just quietly – emotionally gone before anyone noticed.
I think the sentiment stayed because leaving has always felt easier. Because I learned how to move on before things could root too deeply. How to stay just long enough to be needed, but not long enough to be seen completely.
Because disappearing can look like peace if you’re tired enough.
When your nervous system is always on. When stillness feels unsafe and motion feels like control.
I’ve mistaken running for independence. Called it strength. Called it knowing myself. When sometimes it was just fear wearing good shoes.
Staying asks more of me. It asks me to sit with the pause after an argument. With the quiet after the distraction ends. With the version of myself that doesn’t have an escape plan.
It means staying when my chest tightens. When my thoughts start bargianing. When every instinct says just go – it’ll be easier.
I’ve watched taillights disappear into the rain more times than I can count.
Watched motion blur into something softer.
Something distant.
There’s a strange comfort in not being the one driving.
In letting the leaving happen somewhere else.
I’m learning how to stay with discomfort. With the urge to shut down or pull away.
I’m learning how to stay
with unfinished thoughts.
With emotions
I don’t know how to name yet.
I’m learning how to stay with myself.
When I feel restless.
When I feel unsure.
when leaving promises immediate relief.
Not forever.
I’m not asking myself for forever.
Just long enough to notice what happens when I don’t run.
When I don’t disappear. When I let the feeling crest instead of outrunning it.
Just long enough to learn that staying is unfamiliar – but maybe it’s not the threat I thought it was.
I don’t need to decide what comes next.
I don’t need to promise myself anything.
I’m allowed to pause here.
To feel this moment without turning it into a plan.
For now, staying is enough.
I’ll keep learning how to stay
and see what happens if I don’t run.
LifeInLooseNotes.com 
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